New EYES

Psalm 89:1 I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations.

Two years ago, when Jaron was only 2 months old, I wrote this post.  I decided to take on the challenge of writing down one thousand gifts from God.  I could focus on the tragedy of what I felt my life had become or open my eyes fresh to what God had given me!  I can't even begin to explain what a transformation and peace this process has brought me! Naming the beauty that God shows me every day is simply miraculous! I don't have to travel great distances or do great things.  My life doesn't have to be put together, stable or even happy.  My circumstances can be scary, depressing, overwhelming or downright horrific.  I just have to look around me and see...

Photo by Staci Friant

God is good and He is the Father of Lights giving us only good gifts, and I have received.  Not just in a passing, "yeah, sure, whatever" kind of way.  But rather, in a STOP.  SEE.  BE AMAZED.  And then, WRITE IT DOWN, way.

Photo by Staci Friant

Just the other day, I reached my goal of writing down 1000 gifts!  My perspective has changed and I never want to stop naming the gifts!  As I was finishing my list this week, I started reading the book again.  I've recommended it to friends, bought it for birthday presents, lent my copy to sisters...  It changed my life and I want to pay it forward!

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

I'm a "journaler" for life.  I have sweet childhood journals, silly teenage journals, traveling journals, wisdom for being a mama journals, journals to my kids, prayer journals, sermon note journals... And this most recent one is only the beginning, but I will cherish it and return to it often because sometimes I forget what God has done in my life.  I get discouraged.  I struggle to see the sunlight through the dark clouds.  I lose my temper.  I lose my hope.  The winter is long.  The bare trees expose the barrenness I feel deep in my bones.  I feel lifeless, unproductive, unfruitful...  Not because any of these things are true of me.  I just lose sight for awhile.  I need new eyes to see.  Naming the gifts has given me new LIFE!  

Sometimes I had to add some special pages to fit all 1000!

But usually it looks just like this.

"Life change comes when we receive life with thanks and ask for nothing to change." Ann Voskamp

"Something always comes to fill the empty spaces and this is what I've come to do with the white space. I invite thanks." Ann Voskamp

A few of my gifts:
6. Feeling peace when my world is falling apart.
17. My leadership team at CBS. They have carried me in prayer to the very throne room of Jesus.
25. Finally opening the windows again after the cold winter.
33. Hand-me-down clothes from friends for my kids.
37. Haylee fills our home with constant singing.
40. God's timing. Though He won't reveal His purpose, I know His timing is perfect. Psalm 33:11
49. Clean clothes.
64. Family and friends who show up to help when the ambulance pulls up to our house.
108. 3 months with Jaron Matthew. He is so precious.
133.  God alone is God.  Not the doctors.
255. Blue sky, white clouds and green leaves.
318. Pain and sorrow that makes healing and joy so precious.
328. Taking my thoughts captive to obey Christ and realizing it's not easy. 
358. Courage to keep hoping when all seems lost.
415. Thankful children.
422. TRUTH, even when it's hard and uncomfortable and I'm afraid.
473. The moon. Wow!
534. A date night with my little girls.
787. Reading to all 4 kids OUTSIDE! Beautiful day!
827. Lukas working hard with his Daddy.
907. A cup of coffee, a book and a lap full of my kids.
959. Always going on an "adventure" with Brian and the kids. Learning it's ok to not know what's next....

So, go get your own spiral bound notebook to lay open on the counter or tuck in your purse.  Buy the book because it is so inspiring.  Begin writing down the beautiful, amazing, difficult gifts that God has given you.  Your life will be changed.  Not necessarily your circumstances, but certainly your perspective.

One Thousand Gifts, I dare you...

Lord Help Me

He has pooped. 

It's a mess.

He hates to be cleaned up. 

He screams. 

I scramble. 

He's arching. 

Not breathing. 

Eyes wild. 

”Oh God” 

Blue face. 

Not again. 

Lord help him. 

Please stop this. 

”Breathe baby”  

I give him a breath or two. 

Did that even work? 

His teeth are clenched. 

His body stiff. 

Stuck. 

Blue... 

. . . . . .

Finally, a faint gasp. 

I breathe deep. 

He lays silent and so still. 

I rub his chest and assure him, he's gonna be ok. 

Slowly color returns to his stone still face. 

From screaming panic to an eerie calm. 

He is spent. 

So am I. 

Lord help us.

So tired after his horrible seizure

Please pray for Jaron to stop having seizures.  And for my heart that stops every time I watch my baby suffer so violently.  We need wisdom and peace from the Lord.  He has guided us through so many unknowns and I know He will continue to show us the way.  We have been loving that Jaron is more alert and sometimes even gives a smile!  He is not on any seizure medicines right now besides the ketogenic diet.  The decision remains in our hands whether we try another medicine.  I hate the side-effects that such potent anti-seizure meds cause but if there is any hope of better seizure control, of course we desire that.  Wisdom, we need wisdom.

This one's for my little Sisters

You are BEAUTIFUL. 

  You are brave.

               You are loving.

                          You are kind. 

                                            You are creative.

All that God has created each one of you to be, is BEAUTY!  I thank God for you!  I am grateful beyond words, for the way God miraculously placed you in my life.

Why me?

Why you?

I'm really speechless.  You have grown into amazing young women.  I remember sitting at the bottom of your bed for countless bed times and singing until you all three fell asleep.  One with a thumb in her mouth, another with her favorite white blanket, and the littlest with pretty red hair splashed across her pillow.  You are beautiful because Jesus is in you and you have gone through so much, yet you still love. You still embrace. You still work hard.  You still laugh.  You still brush all those horses.  You still snap all those photographs.  You sing and you dance.  Each is so unique in your beauty.  Your brown hair, your blonde hair and of course your red.  And all those gorgeous blue eyes that I adore!

God is doing a work in your lives, my dear sisters.  This road to holiness is painful, yet it is worth every difficult step.  Like a caterpillar who must struggle out of its tight chrysalis in order to use the new, wet wings and soar.  The fight to free itself from the covering gives it the strength to take flight.  You too are being refined by God's fire.

He is molding you and shaping you in the dark, hard places of your life. When we hurt most, we need Him most.  That's where He wants us.  Fully dependent on Him because we've tried every possible way on our own and the only thing left is to surrender to Jesus.

Don't lose hope.  Don't lose that light in your eyes.  Don't give up on love.  Seek the truth in all things.  Read God's Word because it is precious and you will find LIFE.  Forgive, forgive, forgive.  Keep dancing.  Please keep on dancing in your own beautifully unique ways.

You are BEAUTIFUL!

Every boy needs Superman pajamas

Jaron got Superman jammies for Christmas from my family, complete with a little red cape!  I remember when my little brother, Josh, had his Superman jammies!  He wore those things thin.

I LOVE to see my littlest man in his!  It's a bittersweet feeling though.  I really wish he could just sit up, hop off my lap and go running down the long hallway, cape floating along behind him.  I'm sure he would squeal with delight at chasing his big brother!  Lately I've felt sad that the kids can't play with Jaron like they can play with their little cousins.  They can show him toys, kiss his hands, and cuddle on the couch but they can't roll around on the floor, chase him around the house, tickle and giggle, talk about things, teach new words, practice somersaults, hide in the lion cave (our little play space under the stairs) with a flashlight...  All the fun things they get to do with their 1-3 year old cousins.  I guess it's just another thing I need to spend some time mourning and then move on.  I'm learning.  No need to feel sorry for me.  There are plenty of things I can be thankful for that typical 1-3 year olds don't do and Jaron does.  Who else gets to snuggle in the chair for hours with their adorable Superman?!  Don't be jealous!

Ultimately, I am looking forward, with more anticipation than I can express, to the day I see my littlest boy in heaven!  Wow, what a reunion that will be!  And maybe, just maybe he will get to wear his Superman jammies and come running, cape floating along behind, right for his Mommy!

Wishing. Hoping. Thinking. Praying.

You know when you pray for  something for a long time and you just really have a peace that it's all gonna work out, even if you're not sure how?  Or when you're hoping for something so specific that it almost seems silly to think you might get it?  Well, our van is one of those things.

I called it my birthday present because even though we need it for Jaron, we got it now because of me.  And Brian is putting in a lion's share of hard work to get it all ready for me to love and use!  I have a bad back and since our chiropractor showed Brian the x-ray of the 47 degree curvature of my spine, I think he's working overtime to make this happen right.  Technically, Jaron could probably stay in a rear-facing car-seat for at least another year.  But it is really hard to transport him into and out of the car-seat, his wheelchair, and back in the house.  I've avoided several outings just because I dreaded the chore of it.

Imagine carrying a 22 pound newborn (he has low muscle tone so he has zero neck control/strength) who is really strong (don't worry, I still can't quite comprehend how one can have low muscle tone and yet strong muscles, but if you hold my boy, you know) and gets stiff and arches his whole body when you carry him out into the cold.  And then when you try to tuck all 32 inches of his limp yet very stiff body into a seated position, he stretches and twists and cries all the more.  Not to mention carting along his bag of formula that he is attached to by a long tube (which I've completely yanked out of his stomach wall, while trying to transfer him from car-seat to stroller one morning.  Milk everywhere!).  Getting him buckled up is sometimes a 5 minute battle, and then he's in... but I have to take him out, put him in his wheelchair, fasten the harness, load all his equipment and then come back and do it all again.  It's exhausting for me and makes him very agitated, so I try to avoid the process all together!  I'd rather people just come visit us at home!

So, Brian has been searching the internet for a few months for a vehicle that is wheelchair accessible or can be modified.  We have to fit our other 3 kids who are all still in booster seats, as well as having a lift or ramp, and a way to strap down Jaron's wheelchair.  It is a very difficult vehicle to find.  Brian started this hunting process by applying for a car loan.  That was unsuccessful, so we had to really adjust our expectations and believed we would have to settle for something less than ideal.  There were a few really old, really big, really ugly wheelchair vans to choose from.  We decided to just wait.

Ok, rewind to about 11 years ago.  Over the summer that Brian and I met, I was nannying for a local caterer in NE Portland.  She had a beautiful, blonde, 10 month old baby girl and a bright red VW Eurovan!  For some reason, I thought that was coolest car a caterer could own.  It was just cool!

So when Bri and I started talking about the possibility of needing a wheelchair accessible vehicle, the first picture in my head was that bright red VW Eurovan!  It would be perfect AND cool!  We looked at everything!  We considered driving to Minnesota for a red Dodge Sprinter.  It was too tall to fit in our garage and it would have required a hefty loan... Or an old Ford van with carpeted interior...  Or there was the white and blue bus/van that had the front passenger seat removed and steps put in like a bus.  It had lots of extra rows of seating though, I guess I could've sat behind Brian...  But when a loan wasn't available we even gave up on that.

Brian's grandparents had left a trust fund for children with special needs, so we were given a generous check and it was decided to be used for an accessible vehicle.  We were so thankful for the funds to put towards our van!  The search continued...

In a casual conversation between my sister and uncle at a family Christmas gathering, we found out that a cousin had a van with a lift that she was trying to sell.  It felt too good to be true!  We had no idea what it was or how much she would be asking for.  Two weeks later, on Christmas Eve, Kori called us and said she had a RED VW EUROVAN!  WHAT?!  Not only that, it had a newer engine, new wheels and tires and a fully automated Braun Lift!  WHAT?!  And then Kori said, "The van was purchased by donated money, so we want to donate it to you."  I still can't even believe it...

Brian and his dad drove to pick it up two weeks later.  Happy Birthday to ME!  It is a 1993 so it needed a little TLC.  Fixing up the van has been a family labor of love!  Brian, his brother-in-law Jeremy, his dad and my little brother Ben, worked all day to wax, buff, paint, vacuum, scrub, repair every inch of our sweet van.  We've had it one week and already Brian has installed a new battery, air filter, oil filter, spark plugs and wires, fuel filter, catalytic converter, muffler, tinted the windows, changed the oil, painted the bumpers and the VW sign and rotated the tires.  It SHINES!  He's not done.  We have scheduled an appointment to get all the straps installed so that we can safely tie down his wheelchair to the van.  Today, Hannah helped Brian install speakers in the van since they are all blown.  This is simply a miracle!  We didn't have to spend any money to purchase the van so we have a budget to fix it up!  It looks beautiful!  How silly of me to wish for something so specific, huh?!

"Thanks for my new wheels, Daddy!"

Jaron's maiden voyage.  On our way to church.  

We strapped him into his wheelchair in our cozy living room and didn't have to take him out or unload any equipment till we were back at home again, AMAZING!

And everybody fits with plenty of space!  

A New Year

The verse that I believe we are meant to meditate on this year, Philippians 4:8-9.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is True, whatever is Noble, 

whatever is Right, whatever is Pure, whatever is Lovely, 

whatever is Admirable—if anything is Excellent or Praiseworthy—

think about such things. 

⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, 

or seen in me—put it into practice. 

And the God of peace will be with you."

I believe God is calling our family to really analyze the things we fill our time with and measure them by this standard.  To ask ourselves if what we are doing passes the Philippians 4:8 test.  Not to live by a law, but rather to really feel peace in our lives.  

It's the verse I have been praying to the kids when they have a bad dream.  Kids are so sensitive to everything they hear, see, and do.  One scary moment in a movie and we are dealing with an hour of tears at bedtime or in the middle of the night.  So many times Brian and I have felt like we just don't know what to do.  I really think 5 is a very formative year for the imagination of a child.  Lukas and now Haylee both have gone through a period of bad dreams.  Not because of some horrendous exposure to horrible things.  I remember when Lukas dreamt about lions every night and so I boxed up Lion King, Madagascar, and The Wild.  There was no other explanation for this intense fear of lions.  We would pray, read verses, memorize scripture....  That year Lukas memorized Psalm 23 and then Psalm 1.  I need to work on that with Haylee now too.  She is very careful to ask if a movie is "pretty" now, because I have explained to her that she needs to be careful that what she watches is Lovely, Pure, True...  So that her mind is filled with those things.  

Sometimes even a good thing is not the most Praiseworthy thing.  Keeping the dishes clean and the clothes washed are good things.  Even those simple chores prove to be too much in our home some days!  I'm sure one day when I'm looking back on these days, I will not regret the dirty dishes I left in the sink.  But if I don't play, sing, rock, talk, dance, explore, listen, create, color with my children, then I will deeply mourn the missed opportunities.  Jaron has helped me realize how precious each moment is.  I still have him to hold tonight, on my 31st birthday, but there is no guarantee he will still be in my arms on my 32nd.  

My desire for the new year is to look for the Beauty in all things.  To stay focused on the Truth.  To seek out the Lovely.  To stay Pure in mind and action.  To count the Gifts God gives.  Make it a goal in our reading, watching, housekeeping, parenting, marriage, hobbies, music, and entertainment to think about and meditate on that which is Excellent.  To shape each of our hearts in purposeful ways.  To surround ourselves with Noble, Pure, True things, so that nobility, purity and honesty flow naturally from us.

I have printed out and framed our family's verse in both of the kid's rooms and in the living room.  We also made an Armor of God poster because praying continuously is part of doing what is Lovely and True.  And it's proven to be our greatest weapon against those night terrors.

Also, as Paul says in verse 9, I want my children to be able to DO "whatever they have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me."  I want to be a good example for them to follow.  And ultimately I know the God of peace will be with me.  And that's a promise I want to live in.  I know that my year will not be easy, but I know the God of peace will be right here with me!

My prayer is that God would help me to make this a reality in my home, not just a plaque on my wall.

Our little bathroom redecorating

Just a fun change we did over the summer!  I started by making curtains in the living room and found a material that went with the curtains that were the same colors but totally different style and went a little crazy in the bathroom!  It's a tiny bathroom so it works :)

Before

After